My feeling on VH1 “Sex Rehab with Dr Drew”

Since the last episode of Sex Rehab is tomorrow I thought I should blog about my experience for the first time.

Sex Rehab was an experience that I will never forget and something that I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to do.  Today I find myself dramatically changed from the girl I see on TV.  I also now understand how sick I really was and how much of an affect the abuse I experienced had on me (especially with how I interacted with people).  This was truly one of the hardest things to really grasp at first…because I swore that none of the abuse I encountered ever bothered me and that I was just fine.  When in reality I was nowhere near fine and it showed in every aspect of my life.  I was a huge neon sign screaming HELP!  I just didn’t realize it.  I am now committed to having healthy relationships, a healthy lifestyle and I have the desire to continue working on bettering myself!  This is a lifetime commitment that I’ve made to myself.

I have to admit that I was more than a little apprehensive about entering Sex Rehab.  One of the biggest parts was knowing that it would be televised and this was made even more terrifying because I knew I would have to call my mom and family and tell them that I would be doing this.  I’m sure you can imagine like any mother, my mom was not too thrilled with the idea of me being a part of anything called “Sex Rehab”.  Let alone something that would be televised so that the world could see her little girl going through whatever the process was.  But, at the end of the day, I found that I had my mom’s support whether she liked the idea of it at all or not.

When I arrived to Rehab over two hours late (being on time is something I struggle with) I was escorted into a tiny bedroom.  A bedroom with the ugliest decor I had ever seen in my life and I was given the worlds smallest twin size bed ever made.  Soon all my bags and personal belongings would be searched and I was then given something I hate more than anything else in the world…RULES…rules that I would have to TRY and live by for the next 21 days.

So I broke a few rules…who doesn’t (who hasn’t)?  I mean, they are meant to be broken and bent a little.  It gives us a way to test our boundaries.  I soon noticed that editors for the show found a weak point of mine and decided to characterize me as trying to be this pain in the ass brat when really I wasn’t. Now, did I get really fucking frustrated with people?  Absolutely! However, there is SO much they didn’t show on TV and one of those things was me following the rules and making it to group (which was mostly in the second and third week).  The first week you have to expect that some people need some time to get the hang of things.  They especially need to get used to this “following the rules” thing that I thought I was done with years ago when I moved out of my moms house.

Getting to group on time was difficult for me especially in that first week.  I struggled with waking up without my juice.  As silly as that may sound which by the way never once sounded silly to me prior to Sex Rehab.  I was raised with nannies all my life and as an adult I have had an assistant who would bring me juice in the mornings.  Call me spoiled, call me a princess, call me whatever you want…I really don’t care!  I am a spoiled princess in my own ways (aren’t we all) but I really don’t try to be a brat at all and I mean (and meant) no disrespect!  I think everyone can be a spoiled princess in their own ways…mine just so happens to be juice, big fucking deal!  If someone told me they needed something as simple as a glass of juice in the morning, if it helped them in being successful in whatever their goal is (which is waking up) then I would have no problem doing that if it were my job OR if I were asked to wake up that person.  How hard can that be?  Obviously Dr. Drew’s staff thought it was.

Even after I let them know that this is what I need to start my day off right they chose to ignore that and instead yell “Wake Up!!!” over and over again.  Then argue with me about waking up or about the damn juice itself, getting frustrated with me, and ripping the covers off me.  Trust me, no one likes that crap!  What kind of reaction can you expect from someone who isn’t in their Tempur-Pedic, California king size bed but in rehab who has spent the majority of the past 8 hours laying in the worlds smallest twin sized bed ever made, listening to camera men and a production crew moving up and down the hallway.  The scratchy, squeaky noise of the ceiling cameras moving, finding themselves staring at the little red light in the corner above the bed and praying to count less sheep than the night before to fall asleep.  And you’re ripping the covers off my body to wake me up? When they brought me juice I was at group on time.  When they yelled at me and ripped off my blankets which was almost every time then I wasn’t up or at group on time.  Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”  Now, who is insane here?  I told them how to get the result they claimed to have wanted…yet they continued to do the same thing I told them not to do…and they expected a different…which never once led to that.  Or, were they getting the results they wanted to for “Reality TV”?  I will let you decide.

I have to address the Selma thing.  I’ll start by apologizing to Selma for losing her job.  I was asked to file an “incident report” and I refused to.  I am not the kind of person that likes to get anyone in trouble first of all.  Sometimes I did like Selma but most of the time she was pretty annoying.  Her being fired wasn’t my decision.  It was an administrative decision.  I guess I will answer some questions. Was I late for group that morning?  Yes!  Did I eventually agree to go even after I had explained my fear of walking in the room knowing that the group had been talking shit about me and I didn’t want to face them? Yes!  Did I throw a vase?  Yes, but aimed for the wall.  Anyone who watched the episode could see Selma was being very aggressive and she was extremely antagonizing me, pushing me, and repeating herself over and over again in an extremely rude, annoying, and overbearing tone.  You also see when I was trying to exit the room she blocks me and even pushes me with her chest not letting me out while repeating to me that I must leave the room.  How could I?  She was in my face blocking the doorway.  Making it impossible for me to get out of the room and that just irritated me even more.  When I finally got around her she rushes right past me, gets in my face, continues to run her mouth about getting to group like some drill sergeant. All that did was make me even more frustrated and irritated.  So in that moment I wanted to just make a statement that I had enough already.  I flung the vase towards the wall and she charged at me like a football player.  I was a little shocked by that but I could also understand that she just reacted and I thought it was a little funny to be honest with you. I knew right afterward that she felt bad…either that or she was just afraid she would lose her job.  At the end of the day she was working in a rehab facility and I was a patient.  Staff needs to be able to put up with all kinds of shit from people.  It’s a rehab for Christ sake and crazy people are in rehab who are a million times worse than I am.  People who actually do become violent and staff members need to deal with it without ever laying a hand on the patient!  End of story!

There is so much that happened that I really wish would have made it to the final TV edit but unfortunately no one will ever see those moments.  There were some people who weren’t as sweet as the show had them appear and some people weren’t as bad they appeared.  There were friendships that grew in Rehab and most of the fights weren’t as long as they seemed on TV.  My experience with each cast member was different.  Today I find myself so grateful to have these people in my life that without this experience I probably would have never made the friendships I did.  I have to say though some of the cast members I really thought I would be friends with still after rehab. But unfortunately, I am not, and I am sadly disappointed.  I saw first hand how two faced people can be and also saw how consumed by becoming a “star” or celebrity they were at the expense of anyone around them.

Ironically I have learned to trust people more than before and I also learned that I am not alone.  That other beautiful girls I would assume are perfect have all been through the same kind of abuse and experiences I had.  I learned that my smile really was a mask and a smile made it impossible for me to feel the emotions of what I was talking about.  It’s amazing what a smile can do…it’s the best armor I have ever found.  I don’t have to be what I think you want me to be…I can be who I am and it’s OK to be upset, angry, emotional and cry.  That people like people who aren’t so perfect as I have spent most my life trying to be, thinking that people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t.  I learned that when you have a problem with someone you probably have a problem with yourself.  I learned that I provoke people unintentionally and this is my greatest challenge and something I will continue working on.  I am just so much more aware today than I ever was before.  For this, I thank David Weintraub my manager.  David has not only given me this opportunity but the majority of the cast members of Sex Rehab as well as Celebrity Rehab and Sober House this life changing experience.  I think that some people maybe have misunderstood David by what is portrayed of him on television but if I could stress one thing to viewers I would stress this…this is a TV show enjoy it, learn the lesson and hear the message that’s trying to be shared with you through the show, but don’t form your opinion or be quick to judge a person just off what you see on TV without meeting them.  I think you would be surprised by what you thought of that person after getting to know them.  I hope that my relationship with Kendra could have been that lesson to people.  Which by the way I wish they would have shown more of the friendship that grew between us from Rehab.  All the funny things Kendra and I did together and silly moments we had in the 2nd and 3rd week.  Kendra and I didn’t get along only in the first week but what it came down to was the things we didn’t like about ourselves we saw in each other. I am thankful Kendra taught me that lesson!  We learned so much from each other and out of everyone she taught me the most and I really look up to Kendra more than she probably knows.  She is beautiful both inside and out!

I guess I will continue with the rest of the cast now.  Duncan was so much fun.  I remember spending hours and hours just laying outside with him smoking cigarettes and talking about anything and everything.  He answered all my gay men questions that  most straight girls are curious about.  He begged me to have my crowns delivered and loved wearing them and I even let him keep them in his room for a few nights.  Duncan couldn’t have been more excited.  So I made him his own sash right before I left and crowned him Miss PRC USA Beauty Queen.  He is the forever reigning title holder!  I thought for sure him and I would be friends today and I am sad that we aren’t.  He actually was the first person that came to visit me after sex rehab while I was filming “Celebrity Rehab 3″ and that’s when I saw Duncan’s other side that really disappointed me. I will just leave it at that.  I haven’t seen him since then.  I have read his blogs and they really confirmed what I felt from his visit on CR3.  I really had different expectations I think because I thought so highly of him in the beginning.  I don’t normally like to start drama but I am all about loyalty.  When I read the shit he said about David Weintraub, my manager, I was really upset.  Duncan isn’t a client of David’s and knows nothing about him and to say such awful imaginary things.  I know Duncan was jealous of those of us who were represented by David (which by the way was the majority of us) and he voiced that loud and clear.  It had to do with the business side of things. And because Duncan’s representation didn’t have the relationships that David had for his clients and the ability to meet the needs that needed to be met Duncan got frustrated. However, if Duncan had better management and the ability to have the services David provided his clients then Duncan wouldn’t have a problem with David.  So it all comes down to Duncan wishing he had David to take care of him and manage his career!  Unfortunately I think Duncan may have burned that bridge but this is my opinion and from what I know David really only signs talent that has potential.

Jennie -AKA- Penny Flame she was probably the funniest, always putting on a show.  But putting on a show is all she did!  She is by far the most fake person I have ever met in my life.  She is so full of shit.  She was the instigator of most of the drama.  I could care less to ever see her ugly ass again but I wish her the best and I hope she gets well and becomes a person I could one day like.

Nicole and I had a lot more in common than I think we ever acknowledged.  She was quiet and we didn’t talk or spend much time together.  I think if we had, we probably would have become friends and I know my issues with her are my own.  She is one of the prettiest girls I have ever seen in real life and the TV doesn’t do her justice!!!

Amber was my room mate and I swear she is that sweet older sister everyone wishes they had.  She put up with a lot of shit just by sharing a room with me.  She always made herself available to talk and to listen when I was upset.  She is a soft, gentle and super sweet woman and at the same time this drop dead gorgeous super model.  Her and I have tried to stay in touch since the show but we’ve playing a very long game of phone tag because we never seem to catch each other.  I look forward to when we do finally get one another on the phone and we catch up because I miss her!

James and I had fun together in rehab.  He was always so sweet and made everything we did together feel like elementary school with his child like attitude and personality.  His ears were really fucked up during the show and half the time he couldn’t hear what anyone was saying and he would start talking about something completely different it was so funny!  We made each other little presents all the time and called each other our rehab boyfriend and girlfriend.  One of the things we did as a group was go to the beach and James offered to teach everyone how to surf.  I was the first in the water which I think shocked most (if not all) of the cast and crew.  I got up and rode the wave my first try!  He was a great teacher!  I haven’t heard from him too much since the show but I hope he is well and I would love to go surfing with him again!

Phil has and is one of kindest hearted men I have met in my life.  He really cared about everyone in rehab. I felt he didn’t have any hidden agendas or bad intentions.  He was a big brother type to me and gives the best hugs…I guess he had better be at the very least a good hugger to have fucked over 3,000 women, right?  His squeeze is something I remember when I think about my time being in rehab.  Another thing I remember is Phil and his obvious crush on Amber.  He was a smitten kitten!  Phil and I have seen each other since rehab but it’s been awhile and I really hopes he finds that one girl he so very much wants as a partner!

As far as the staff goes Shelly was actually really cool and I liked her a lot!  I did apologize for throwing the water at her when I got to Celebrity Rehab 3 but the rest you will have to watch.

As far as Dr Drew goes I hold firm on my opinion of what I said about him during Sex Rehab…he is a TV doctor and in my opinion a very insincere one.  I think he has just memorized information/research he has read and repeats it back to the viewing audience.  I had the opportunity to really form this opinion of him after doing three shows back to back and he said absolutely nothing new in any of them.  I can tell you that with his constant repetition he literally bored me to tears.  Thank God we had Jill.

Jill was a real sex therapist and she was so good at what she did.  I could tell Drew would feel dumb around her and that he didn’t like that feeling.   Because when Jill would say something we all could relate to or that sounded smart and made sense to us Drew would jump right in and talk over Jill. He would simply repeat pretty much what Jill said as if he invented the information or he would be like “Yes, and…”   I found it to be amusing!  Don’t be fooled by the editing, Jill was really the expert in this show and Drew used her knowledge in order to be the Dr. in this show.  But I don’t want to bash Dr. Drew because he is smart “information wise” when it comes to drug addiction.  And I did learn a lot of information that I never knew before.

But, opening up with Drew wasn’t comfortable and it was somewhat forced…I felt like he would tell me how I was feeling rather than listen to what I was saying.  Jill, on the other hand, would really let me decide how I felt and she never put words in my mouth or told me I was wrong for feeling a certain way. She also never cut me off and has made herself available to me since the filming stopped AND we continue to keep in touch.

I will say that Dr. Drew hasn’t made any attempt to stay in touch or offer me any after-care since doing the three shows.  He only called once when the “tape” with two friends and I was leaked (by a psycho bitch I let me in my home per Drew’s request) to leave me a voicemail and ask how I wanted him to handle the press he was getting regarding the incident.  I never returned that phone call nor do I care to…because a month after “Sober House” was done this was the first I had heard from him and quite honestly I was disgusted by what he felt was an important reason to call me!

For now I’m still on my journey.  I’m going to continue to work on myself and become as empowered as I can be.  I hope to be able to inspire others (especially young girls who might be at risk).  I’m working on my book, “Stripped, Strung Out and Beautifully Abused” and still doing my art (it’s all very therapeutic and liberating).  Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you.